i guess things were more exciting when we didn't know where they would lead. now we are at a dead end. i'd like to become a mystery to you again and re-tell you all those things about me. but i guess we never really got that far. i still feel like a mystery to you as you do to me. a part of me wants it that way but a part of me wants to know everything about you.

ambiguous. lucid. your just on the other side of the wall, yet your so far from me.

i think i may have built you up in my head to be more than what you were. yet, i still cant shake these feelings. i wish we could start over.

i mean nothing to you. have i wasted my time and have i ruined everything?

Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away




i miss you so much. i want it to be like it used to be. where we were so consumed with one another we couldn't take it. or was that just me? did you ever feel that way? you say you are a mess right now and i can hardly believe it. i never thought you loved me like i did and still do. you tell me you don't care if i like anyone else, so what's making you a mess? how could you say that? please tell me that you don't mean it. does a part of you want me all to yourself? a part of me wants this but most of me doesn't. i'm so afraid if we don't do this, there will be no future for us. i'm so afraid that if we do this we can never be the same, can never go back to how it used to be. we were just kids then. i love you so much and you are everything to me.

tonight was so strange. to be in the same room as someone whom you love dearly and have been so close to for 5 years, and have them ignore you as if you don't exist. to look the other way without any sign of interest. to walk right by you with no hesitation in their stride. after five years this is how it's going to be? i haven't changed. i'm the same person, can't you see that? i just want it to be us again. don't you miss that? how could you not? i can't imagine it..

i can't even describe the angst of being avoided by you. you made me feel like a complete failure, like a terrible person when i have done nothing to deserve this. i'm always putting the blame on myself for other people's actions. i need to quit doing that because it's widdling away at my heart. after being avoided the entire night, you turn around and beg me to come to your place. and like the weak pessimist i am, i'd oblige.

you'll never leave my mind because i've got your music collection. i wish i gave you mine. maybe then i'd cross your mind.

i feel like going on a drive. i want to absorb myself in music and let the scenery go along with it. i want to think about you while i smoke my cigarette and analyze what we are. to ponder what i am to you as i glance over to an empty passenger seat. i'm just fine on my own, but i'd rather not be.

seriously over this. make up your mind.

i don't want to become something that you regret. i don't want you to loathe me for your actions. do you look at me and see a mistake? if i am a mistake to you than quit repeating it.

once i texted you and asked what you were doing. you told me you were just sitting on your couch thinking about me. you don't say things like that anymore. i'm sitting here thinking of you.

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not baby' anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you
No, not baby' anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
No, not baby' anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

i was smoking a cigarette outside my front porch and i saw a guy carrying a bouquet of flowers. i can't remember the last time someone gave me flowers. there's nothing like it. i hope she didn't reject him.

feeling happier now..but realizing it is only temporary. it's strange when you get the things you want but are still unsatisfied. things never play out the way you want them to. things never stay the same. sometimes i hate myself and i wish i were different. i get shy around certain people..people who i really like and want to like me too. i shouldn't do that and it's so stupid but it's my only reaction. it's like i become dumbfounded with nothing to say. i think that's my problem, i just never have anything to say. unless i'm drunk then i just say stupid shit but at least i'm funny then. i don't know. i love myself around those who love me too and know how i am. all my entries are depressing compared to before but i guess that's the only reason i'm writing this.

I'm remembering all those things you used to say to me. the way you'd make me smile all day long. the feelings you gave me that made me realize i needed to be free. all i want is to have you in my life in some shape or form. how can you go from one extreme to the next in one day? you say "it's nothing you did, it's not you at all" but it is me because i'm not who you want. if i'm not the one you want, then so be it. but you made me feel alive once and now i feel dead, when i need you the most you abandoned me. i just want to hear you say those things again.

maybe i'm a hypocrite but this is sickening. i can't handle this and i feel like i have ruined everything. you told me i never act the way you are expecting. can't you see i'm putting on a show? i don't know how to act around you now. did you want me to show you how desperately i missed you? couldn't you see that i tried to pretend i was ok? i knew these things would eventually happen but not this soon and not in front of my face. i dont wanna know about it. i need comfort. i need your attention. it's no longer mine.

maybe if i had someone else who cared about me i could cope with this. a temporary replacement to save me from these lonely nights where i cant forget our past. i don't want to move on. i'm not ready but it's happening. so fast that i can't breathe.

Why am i so desperate for your attention. When it happens, i'm all yours. But it doesn't happen enough.