i try to convince myself i am independent but the truth is i need people. i have this way about latching on to others when i feel vulnerable. like i need them in order to be ok. i wish i were stronger, more independent. i'm learning you can only pretend to be ok for so long until your insides start to crumble at the sight of nostalgia.

why do i let the smallest things disappoint me? as if the most trivial thing was life or death. i take certain things too personally, too close to heart. i think it's just insecurity. i want to be a stronger person, an individual. i think that i am just so used to this particular way of living that now i dont know how to adjust.

if i were more secure i could have the strength to not need you so badly. your just like a cat. call them and beg them for attention and they stray. then when your not even expecting it they come sit on your lap, like they can sense you really needed attention. it's like they stop what they are doing to rub up against your leg, just to assure you that your still loved but then they go away just as soon as they appeared.

just the way the little things disappoint me, they can also mean so much to me. you can say the smallest thing and it just fills in this empty place inside me, like you knew it needed to be filled. you told me you were so lucky the other night and now it's all i can think about. but you probably didnt even mean to say it, or you just didnt mean it, period. even the beautiful things wind up disappointing me in the end.

how simple it must be to be a cat. as i clean my room i find too many things that remind me of you. i keep your photos on my wall, i can't bring myself to take them down. i guess that would make it real or something. how easy it would be to be a cat, to sit in the window and never have to feel the nausea of dusting off memorabilia. maybe in my next life i will be a cat, or perhaps i will just never love. never get close to anyone, so that i'll never have to feel the wretchedness of letting them go.

once you said "you shouldn't hate an entire city because of one person." This infuriated me and i thought that you were being dramatic. but now i understand what you mean. I have been afraid to come home all this time. i thought that maybe i was just having so much fun in rva that i didnt want to come home. but every inch of this city reminds me of you. there isn't a place here that we don't share some memory. i am even a prisoner in my own home. my mother telling me she misses you, asking me have i spoken to you lately. it's all i need to trigger a waterfall of tears. its like no matter how much i think about it on my own, how much i feel like crying and letting it out, i can't. what it takes is someone else to ask me about you and then i can't hold back. i can't do anything here. all of my friends here are your friends- what can we talk about without your name coming up? how can i look at my mother without her giving me that concerned look on her face? tomorrow i will return back to rva- my shelter, my hiding place. somehow it helps me forget, it's the only place i am safe.

i wear a broken mood ring everyday
it's always accurate

i want to be content again.
i can't do this alone.
i thought you said we were each others crutches.
can't you see?
i can't stand on my own.

i could fill a mason jar with all the tears i have shed over this.
does it make you feel like a man when you pretend i'm not there.
when you pretend you don't want me, need me.

i'm more woman than you've ever had, you fear me.
i hope you feel incompetent when your lying in my bed.
afraid to love me.

it's funny how you think your not okay without something when you used to be just fine before you had it. but things aren't like eternal sunshine, you can't erase someone. you can't erase memories. you can't erase feelings. as much as you think you want to..you don't because who are you without them?

i have this sick feeling inside like i wanna cry so bad but i can't. i feel so empty like there's absolutely nothing left inside of me. like my tears are caught in my stomach and cant find the path to my eyes. i hate the way i am sometimes, i wish i were stronger. but i guess this will make me stronger.

i wonder if you meant the things you said. i wonder if you even remember. i could ask you but i'm afraid of the answer. my gut says you did and that's why you called me.

every moment, each day, all night.
racing thoughts, pondering this equation.
i let myself give in to the selfishness, selflessness.
i wish he were nearsighted.
i wish i was stronger.

I wanted to stay,
but I know that's
not what you wanted.

I wanted to lay my head on your chest,
but I know that I'd just be in your way.

do you sing for me?
no, I could never be that girl.

(RIP J.D. Salinger)


It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 10

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 17

Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 20

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 22, spoken by the character Holden Caulfield

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 26

pretending to fake it.
yeah i want so many things i don't let on.

you never stay.
just once i wish you would hold on to me.

spontaneous combustion.
overwhelming chaos.
clouded lungs.
there's not enough warmth.

the permanence of a scar,
the chill of your shadow,
like whispers in my ear.

desperation in my stride,
potential love in my eyes,
like your hand on my shoulder.

you keep your demons away,
but i'm drawing them closer,
like my toes curling under.

"the most important things are the hardest to say. they are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. but it's more than that, isn't it? the most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. and you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. that's the worst, i think. when the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear."

.stephen king.

comprehension comes and goes
i reach out for it as it escapes
wishing i could understand you.

i take your good days and tie them in bowes
i put them on display,
keep them as proof.

if i'm just a trophy on your shelf
take me down,
brush off the dust.

i can't erase the silence, the intentional cold.

well you look so good up on that roof,
but i pretend that i don't care.
i'll just read my book, not stare.

yeah i'll pretend that i'm better than this,
but you know if i had my way.
i'd let you walk all over me all day.

why did i let myself fall for someone like you?
i threw myself at you.

so hot and cold,
i shouldn't have given you the time of day.

you changed the way my head and my heart make decisions.
i'm such an idiot.

i am a push over. a last resort.

you kept me captive all these years.

would i have a life without you?

or were you supposed to be my life?

i am truly alone.

sometimes i don't understand why things have to be so cut and dry. can't there be that gray area? if two people love each other and care about each other and love spending time with each other, why can't they hang out just because they are no longer together? sure, feelings are hurt and you can't exactly act the way you used to together but god, if you need each other can't you just adjust? it's compelling that two people who share the same thoughts can't share the same thought as this. unless your okay without me, then i am wrong.

this just made me burst into tears.

tonight has been dreadful, i just want it to be a new day. i've been thinking about something you said to me. you said my friends would come and go but none of them would be there when i needed them like you would. you were right.

I can't and I won't pretend for you anymore.
The innocence is gone, but don't tell me that it's over.

Well, I choose my words carefully now and I dance around the truth.
And I get phantom pains now that you're gone.

I can't hide from those eyes and I can't erase the way they filled up when I said "no"
You love me and that's why it's so easy to hate me.

Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go

love unreservedly, giving much and asking little in return - one of the most important lessons is how to receive gracefully. too easily influenced by those i love and admire, and swayed by the emotion of the moment.

i haven't written in a while. i have been avoiding it because i don't know what to say. some days i feel perfectly content and others, like today, i just have a sickness lingering inside. i think about you and you are so perfect for me. i don't understand how these things happen. i look at you and wonder "why didn't this work?" if i could wish for anything i would want to be completely spell-bound over you the way i used to be. i want so badly to crave you again and feel that excitement i had over you for all those years. it isn't fair and i've realized it's impossible to force a feeling, i have been trying so hard to. you made me so happy once and now there just isn't that desire anymore. i'm tempted to just be with you anyway because i love you too much to let you go and i love you too much to hurt you this badly. i know you don't think this is hard on me because i'm the one who initiated the split but i am devastated. i almost wish it were you who didn't love me anymore. i'm better and more used to the one being heartbroken. i'm no heart breaker and i never ever thought i could be. i know this is a poor justification, but you never did love me the way i loved you. i went through hell just getting you to notice me and once we were together, i always had that fear in the pit of my stomach that you were waiting for any little excuse to leave me for somebody new. i've cried so much over you and i've suffered immensely. i sacrificed so much of myself and my life for you. to a fly on the wall, it would have appeared that this split would have been something that you would be okay with. at one time it was, but suddenly i'm your whole world and i never knew that until now. i kind of wonder if i am just so sick and tired of trying so hard, of making so much of an effort that wasn't always reciprocated, that i just can't do it anymore. i just can't try anymore. i have become lethargic to the work that is involved in making a relationship work. but i don't believe i am giving up. i stuck with you through hell, through the hardest times of our lives. i am not a quitter and i still don't think i am quitting. i want to make it work again so badly. i wonder if we did get back together if things would fall back into it's old routine. would you still be the same? sometimes i think you just like the fact that i used to be so needy. that you were my whole world and i needed you. you knew you could control me and you found comfort in knowing that no other man could ever touch me. this new feeling of independence is so important to me and you don't understand. i'm learning to be okay on my own and that's a GOOD thing. you should respect that, yet you mock me and tell me it's a joke. you say that i just want to party and that i am trying to be a "badass." what does that even mean? you create these concoctions in your mind and build them up in your head that i have transformed into someone i am not. i am still me and i still love you so dearly. i love you as my best friend. i love you as my family. i still love you as a partner, i just pray that it could be a romantic love again. i dont understand why this had to happen, it isn't fair and i can't help it anymore than you can.