i haven't written in a while. i have been avoiding it because i don't know what to say. some days i feel perfectly content and others, like today, i just have a sickness lingering inside. i think about you and you are so perfect for me. i don't understand how these things happen. i look at you and wonder "why didn't this work?" if i could wish for anything i would want to be completely spell-bound over you the way i used to be. i want so badly to crave you again and feel that excitement i had over you for all those years. it isn't fair and i've realized it's impossible to force a feeling, i have been trying so hard to. you made me so happy once and now there just isn't that desire anymore. i'm tempted to just be with you anyway because i love you too much to let you go and i love you too much to hurt you this badly. i know you don't think this is hard on me because i'm the one who initiated the split but i am devastated. i almost wish it were you who didn't love me anymore. i'm better and more used to the one being heartbroken. i'm no heart breaker and i never ever thought i could be. i know this is a poor justification, but you never did love me the way i loved you. i went through hell just getting you to notice me and once we were together, i always had that fear in the pit of my stomach that you were waiting for any little excuse to leave me for somebody new. i've cried so much over you and i've suffered immensely. i sacrificed so much of myself and my life for you. to a fly on the wall, it would have appeared that this split would have been something that you would be okay with. at one time it was, but suddenly i'm your whole world and i never knew that until now. i kind of wonder if i am just so sick and tired of trying so hard, of making so much of an effort that wasn't always reciprocated, that i just can't do it anymore. i just can't try anymore. i have become lethargic to the work that is involved in making a relationship work. but i don't believe i am giving up. i stuck with you through hell, through the hardest times of our lives. i am not a quitter and i still don't think i am quitting. i want to make it work again so badly. i wonder if we did get back together if things would fall back into it's old routine. would you still be the same? sometimes i think you just like the fact that i used to be so needy. that you were my whole world and i needed you. you knew you could control me and you found comfort in knowing that no other man could ever touch me. this new feeling of independence is so important to me and you don't understand. i'm learning to be okay on my own and that's a GOOD thing. you should respect that, yet you mock me and tell me it's a joke. you say that i just want to party and that i am trying to be a "badass." what does that even mean? you create these concoctions in your mind and build them up in your head that i have transformed into someone i am not. i am still me and i still love you so dearly. i love you as my best friend. i love you as my family. i still love you as a partner, i just pray that it could be a romantic love again. i dont understand why this had to happen, it isn't fair and i can't help it anymore than you can.