every moment, each day, all night.
racing thoughts, pondering this equation.
i let myself give in to the selfishness, selflessness.
i wish he were nearsighted.
i wish i was stronger.

I wanted to stay,
but I know that's
not what you wanted.

I wanted to lay my head on your chest,
but I know that I'd just be in your way.

do you sing for me?
no, I could never be that girl.

(RIP J.D. Salinger)


It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 10

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 17

Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 20

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 22, spoken by the character Holden Caulfield

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 26

pretending to fake it.
yeah i want so many things i don't let on.

you never stay.
just once i wish you would hold on to me.

spontaneous combustion.
overwhelming chaos.
clouded lungs.
there's not enough warmth.

the permanence of a scar,
the chill of your shadow,
like whispers in my ear.

desperation in my stride,
potential love in my eyes,
like your hand on my shoulder.

you keep your demons away,
but i'm drawing them closer,
like my toes curling under.

"the most important things are the hardest to say. they are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. but it's more than that, isn't it? the most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. and you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. that's the worst, i think. when the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear."

.stephen king.

comprehension comes and goes
i reach out for it as it escapes
wishing i could understand you.

i take your good days and tie them in bowes
i put them on display,
keep them as proof.

if i'm just a trophy on your shelf
take me down,
brush off the dust.

i can't erase the silence, the intentional cold.

well you look so good up on that roof,
but i pretend that i don't care.
i'll just read my book, not stare.

yeah i'll pretend that i'm better than this,
but you know if i had my way.
i'd let you walk all over me all day.

why did i let myself fall for someone like you?
i threw myself at you.

so hot and cold,
i shouldn't have given you the time of day.

you changed the way my head and my heart make decisions.
i'm such an idiot.

i am a push over. a last resort.

you kept me captive all these years.

would i have a life without you?

or were you supposed to be my life?

i am truly alone.

sometimes i don't understand why things have to be so cut and dry. can't there be that gray area? if two people love each other and care about each other and love spending time with each other, why can't they hang out just because they are no longer together? sure, feelings are hurt and you can't exactly act the way you used to together but god, if you need each other can't you just adjust? it's compelling that two people who share the same thoughts can't share the same thought as this. unless your okay without me, then i am wrong.

this just made me burst into tears.

tonight has been dreadful, i just want it to be a new day. i've been thinking about something you said to me. you said my friends would come and go but none of them would be there when i needed them like you would. you were right.

I can't and I won't pretend for you anymore.
The innocence is gone, but don't tell me that it's over.

Well, I choose my words carefully now and I dance around the truth.
And I get phantom pains now that you're gone.

I can't hide from those eyes and I can't erase the way they filled up when I said "no"
You love me and that's why it's so easy to hate me.

Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go

love unreservedly, giving much and asking little in return - one of the most important lessons is how to receive gracefully. too easily influenced by those i love and admire, and swayed by the emotion of the moment.

i haven't written in a while. i have been avoiding it because i don't know what to say. some days i feel perfectly content and others, like today, i just have a sickness lingering inside. i think about you and you are so perfect for me. i don't understand how these things happen. i look at you and wonder "why didn't this work?" if i could wish for anything i would want to be completely spell-bound over you the way i used to be. i want so badly to crave you again and feel that excitement i had over you for all those years. it isn't fair and i've realized it's impossible to force a feeling, i have been trying so hard to. you made me so happy once and now there just isn't that desire anymore. i'm tempted to just be with you anyway because i love you too much to let you go and i love you too much to hurt you this badly. i know you don't think this is hard on me because i'm the one who initiated the split but i am devastated. i almost wish it were you who didn't love me anymore. i'm better and more used to the one being heartbroken. i'm no heart breaker and i never ever thought i could be. i know this is a poor justification, but you never did love me the way i loved you. i went through hell just getting you to notice me and once we were together, i always had that fear in the pit of my stomach that you were waiting for any little excuse to leave me for somebody new. i've cried so much over you and i've suffered immensely. i sacrificed so much of myself and my life for you. to a fly on the wall, it would have appeared that this split would have been something that you would be okay with. at one time it was, but suddenly i'm your whole world and i never knew that until now. i kind of wonder if i am just so sick and tired of trying so hard, of making so much of an effort that wasn't always reciprocated, that i just can't do it anymore. i just can't try anymore. i have become lethargic to the work that is involved in making a relationship work. but i don't believe i am giving up. i stuck with you through hell, through the hardest times of our lives. i am not a quitter and i still don't think i am quitting. i want to make it work again so badly. i wonder if we did get back together if things would fall back into it's old routine. would you still be the same? sometimes i think you just like the fact that i used to be so needy. that you were my whole world and i needed you. you knew you could control me and you found comfort in knowing that no other man could ever touch me. this new feeling of independence is so important to me and you don't understand. i'm learning to be okay on my own and that's a GOOD thing. you should respect that, yet you mock me and tell me it's a joke. you say that i just want to party and that i am trying to be a "badass." what does that even mean? you create these concoctions in your mind and build them up in your head that i have transformed into someone i am not. i am still me and i still love you so dearly. i love you as my best friend. i love you as my family. i still love you as a partner, i just pray that it could be a romantic love again. i dont understand why this had to happen, it isn't fair and i can't help it anymore than you can.