I am disposable.

i forgot what it feels like to throw yourself at someone, almost in desperation..to receive nothing in return.

why is it that when something bad happens, everything seems to? everything goes sour all at once. nothing ever comes in doses. my dad always tells me you cant rely on anyone but yourself. but even so i always find myself relying on others.

i cant forget you
i've got these memories of you
i'll always be loving you.
where are you darling
are you with someone new?


sometimes you prepare yourself for things that you seeing coming in your future. you think your are prepared but when it happens you are still surprised. Had to say goodbye to my cat that i have had since i was little. my boyfriend and i broke up after 5 years together. although it was a mutual decision, i can't help but be devastated.

i hate to write down horrible things i am thinking in fear that they are real. there is always that brick wall in your brain that tries to block these thoughts from your eyes. only seeing is believing. my cat that i have had for like 15 years has cancer and will be put down tomorrow. i am dying inside, i have a huge lump in my throat. It's the end of a comfort, a security. so many things are going on with me right now. i don't know who i am anymore, i don't recognize myself. how does your mind, your opinions, your morals, change so quickly? Not that they change but they are suddenly forgotten so easily. i am not that girl. what is wrong with me? i need to concentrate on what's important..my priorities are so fucked up.

peeling off labels. inhaling smoke, exhaling regrets. raised eyebrows. looks of want. feelings of neglect. what do you want from me? i can't tell. not yet. wanting to feel needed. needing to feel wanted. the urges are gone, non appreciated. all the things YOU said to me, were they out of lust? it could never be more than that. it seems to me they are only appreciated in the moment. your expectations are high and so were mine. emptiness in my soul. death to my lungs. i cant breathe without your attention.

sleeping with eyes wide open, i see you looking my direction. i wonder what it is you see. you put your fingers through my hair and ripped my jeans.