i try to convince myself i am independent but the truth is i need people. i have this way about latching on to others when i feel vulnerable. like i need them in order to be ok. i wish i were stronger, more independent. i'm learning you can only pretend to be ok for so long until your insides start to crumble at the sight of nostalgia.

why do i let the smallest things disappoint me? as if the most trivial thing was life or death. i take certain things too personally, too close to heart. i think it's just insecurity. i want to be a stronger person, an individual. i think that i am just so used to this particular way of living that now i dont know how to adjust.

if i were more secure i could have the strength to not need you so badly. your just like a cat. call them and beg them for attention and they stray. then when your not even expecting it they come sit on your lap, like they can sense you really needed attention. it's like they stop what they are doing to rub up against your leg, just to assure you that your still loved but then they go away just as soon as they appeared.

just the way the little things disappoint me, they can also mean so much to me. you can say the smallest thing and it just fills in this empty place inside me, like you knew it needed to be filled. you told me you were so lucky the other night and now it's all i can think about. but you probably didnt even mean to say it, or you just didnt mean it, period. even the beautiful things wind up disappointing me in the end.

how simple it must be to be a cat. as i clean my room i find too many things that remind me of you. i keep your photos on my wall, i can't bring myself to take them down. i guess that would make it real or something. how easy it would be to be a cat, to sit in the window and never have to feel the nausea of dusting off memorabilia. maybe in my next life i will be a cat, or perhaps i will just never love. never get close to anyone, so that i'll never have to feel the wretchedness of letting them go.

once you said "you shouldn't hate an entire city because of one person." This infuriated me and i thought that you were being dramatic. but now i understand what you mean. I have been afraid to come home all this time. i thought that maybe i was just having so much fun in rva that i didnt want to come home. but every inch of this city reminds me of you. there isn't a place here that we don't share some memory. i am even a prisoner in my own home. my mother telling me she misses you, asking me have i spoken to you lately. it's all i need to trigger a waterfall of tears. its like no matter how much i think about it on my own, how much i feel like crying and letting it out, i can't. what it takes is someone else to ask me about you and then i can't hold back. i can't do anything here. all of my friends here are your friends- what can we talk about without your name coming up? how can i look at my mother without her giving me that concerned look on her face? tomorrow i will return back to rva- my shelter, my hiding place. somehow it helps me forget, it's the only place i am safe.

i wear a broken mood ring everyday
it's always accurate

i want to be content again.
i can't do this alone.
i thought you said we were each others crutches.
can't you see?
i can't stand on my own.

i could fill a mason jar with all the tears i have shed over this.
does it make you feel like a man when you pretend i'm not there.
when you pretend you don't want me, need me.

i'm more woman than you've ever had, you fear me.
i hope you feel incompetent when your lying in my bed.
afraid to love me.